Can I be real with y’all?

I almost didn’t make it. I almost gave up. I almost let it all go. I spent so many nights dreaming of what my life would be like, what it would look like. Planning and creating all sorts of details. I focused on what it would feel like, look like that I almost thought this wasn’t it. When I was ready for God to reveal His way in my life He showed me some things, and I being me of course added my extras to what He showed me. I watched photos, videos and snapshots from other people’s lives and pieced them into my dreams and visions. I was no longer allowing the negative voices to tell me what I couldn’t do but I was allowing others voices to tell me what it should do.

I fought like hell to come to Georgia and all I wanted was for God to use me and He wasn’t so I thought. Well, it’s clear to me He was blessing me, filling me up so when He used me I wasn’t depleted. He had to FREE me from all of the people, places and things that were keeping me stuck, and in the way of doing His work. Deep down I knew He sent me to Georgia, I knew He sent me my husband, I knew He had a greater purpose for my life, but none of it looked like what I thought it should.  I was scared to announce my engagement when it happened scared of what other’s might think. I was scared to admit when I entered the covenant of marriage worried about those who might object. I was constantly picking apart and second guessing the blessings because they didn’t look like what other’s said it would.

When I got a phone call during my first year in Georgia asking if my man was still here with me, I woke up. Why wouldn’t he be here I thought. We’ve made a decision, we’ve made a commitment we’ve entered the covenant of marriage so where else would he be. When the caller asked in complete worry if I had gotten pregnant because to them that would be the worst thing ever I rolled my eyes in frustration and thought I can’t wait to have another baby. I can’t wait to get pregnant and birth a child that I actually want with a man who isn’t going to leave but really support me.

When I got a phone call from the same person a year later asking again if my man was still here, I sighed. When they called him and asked if he was still sure he wanted to be with me, I sighed. When they ask if our new baby is ok, if anything is wrong with her, I sigh. I sigh partially because it frustrates me that these are still questions in their head, but also because I realize how far God has brought me and how stuck they still are. They still see me as damaged goods, a broken woman that no man would really want to stand by. They don’t believe that everything is in God’s plan and that everything even this little baby is part of His blessings on my life. They don’t understand that God is fulfilling His promises to me, He’s giving me everything I asked for and everything I need to fulfill the purpose He has for my life.

Thankfully I’m awake, and I see how God is blessing me, filling my cup and teaching me lessons without all the pain I once needed to learn them. I am happy to have everything I dreamed of and it not be by my doing but all because of God! I understand now how He is working it all out for my good!

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